The Way I Would Have Reviewed Half Life 2

(All sexist comments are tongue in cheek. If you don't understand what tongue in cheek means then don't read on. If you are feminist and want to criticize then read on and see what it is about)

So, with a game that pushes the boundaries so far and "redefines" a genre so should the review do the same (as per rating system utilized at the end of article).

Every bloke wants to get in to bed with the best looking lady/chick/broad/sheila (you make your choice). It doesn't matter much what's under the hood, as long as she is a stunner and she puts out. That's what blokes really care about. Last year Half Life 2 was the best looking girl to be released on the market. All of the guys wanted to sleep with her and she was an absolute stunner. The only problem was that there was not much under the hood at all. It's like that time when you wake up in the morning and you are proud of your endeavors and the first thing you want to do is to tell all your mates, but you don't want to start a relationship with her. She's not the kind of girl that you settle down with. A one nighter is all she's worth. This was Half Life 2. It seems to me that all the magazine reviews which I read of this game who pronounced it "Game of the Year" just wanted to get in to bed with Valve and couldn't care much of any real content to the game. They wanted to be the first to review this "epic" game. They wanted to be the first to call it "Game of the Year" and they wanted to be the first to play it through to the end. It was all about kudos for the magazine and not true reporting.

What was Half Life 2 anyway but a good looking piece of software? From what I read in game previews I was expecting a horrifying tale of repression about a future dystopia. Much like the novels, 1984 and Brave New World, which I read and loved. A game which picked up from the first installment and continued as an excellent cautionary tale as much as it was an excellent shooter. But this did not happen. The story telling in Half Life 2 was so understated that it did not exist at all. In fact, I would argue that there really was no story at all. Valve had created this beautiful place with interesting characters but nothing to tell you about these characters and their environment. I would have liked to have known more about Alyx besides the fact that dog had protected her since she was a child. I would have liked to know how the world was shaped since the event at Black Mesa which changed the world. I would have liked to know how City 17 had developed to become the dead end for everyone. But, sadly, these things were excluded from the game. I think this was a very poor error in judgment on behalf of Valve. These things which would have created substance to an excellent piece of software were missing. This was the most crucial aspect of any game. Even those shooters which have a cliched story behind the game engine (such as Far Cry) have some sort of story which ties you to the on screen action. The story itself is one of the key ingredients to any game because without them every game would be virtually the same. As far as I'm concerned there needs to be more under the gaming bonet than just pretty graphics.

The other thing which had reviewers reaching for a condom was the in game physics. Don't get me wrong, I am all for in game physics when they are consistent and relevant, but why not just call it another way to make things fall down? The vehicles in this game would defy normal physics during driving. Jumping over anything would see a vehicle fly more than fall. The only other way that the physics was utilized in game was so that I could construct a rudimentary bridge to travel over something. Awesome. I always wanted to be a makeshift engineer. Really, did this add anything to the game play? Anything at all? As far as I am concerned the physics was used to make you look over the very average AI in the game. Ever have your team mates block your entrance? or, just refuse to follow you? I had these problems in game. I couldn't build a rudimentary bridge to travel over them when they blocked the entrance to a door either. I just had to reload and hope they didn't do the same thing again.

So, I guess the question is, “What kind of game would you want to settle down with?” It seems that the MMOs are the ones which gamers are maintaining long term relationships with, but you have to pay for the privilege. World Of Warcraft will probably go down as the most popular game in history (although it will have to knock The Sims off this mantle first). The life of a shooter beyond single player is multiplayer and can be somewhat limited. Only some of the major release titles, such as Battlefield and CS, have maintained the gamer love beyond several months. Are we going to experience the death of the singleplayer for first person shooters? Maybe, if software developers want to extend the life of the genre they have to look at mixing it with others. Look at the success of Deus Ex and possibly the upcoming Hellgate London.

Sometimes you just make friends with a girl to get to her friends, let's face it, guys are that shallow and that is not necessarily a bad thing. Half Life 2 promises to bring a lot of new friends to the gaming community via its online dating service known as Steam. Counter Strike Source is already out. Day of Defeat Source has just been released. Lost Coast is finally out and there are the ever present reality of many (yes, many) Half Life 2 expansion packs. But are these friends really worth the time? Well, Counter Strike source is like the girlfriend you dated years ago, broke up with and have not spoken to since. Then she reappears on the scene, gets in touch with you and wants to get back together, but you don't want to go back to her. Day of Defeat Source is an older lady who has had some cosmetic surgery she looks good on the outside but on the inside she is aging very fast. Lost Coast is definitely a one night stand. As for the other Half Life 2 expansions to be released, they are just going to be like good looking, high priced prostitutes. Take your money, give you ten minutes of loving and then leave you with an empty wallet.

Anyway, should Half Life 2 have been game of the year? Maybe, if appearances are the most important thing to you. However, there were other, better games released. These games didn't have the anticipation factor which Half Life 2 bought with it, but anticipation isn't everything. Certainly, Far Cry which came out six months earlier and was more of a sleeper hit than Half Life 2 I believe, was far more deserving.

Half Life 2 Rating

Would you sleep with Half Life 2 - 99%
Would you listen to Half Life 2 after you wake up next to it in the morning - 20%
Would you start up a long term relationship with Half Life 2 - 1%

Overall - 40%

If you found this review to be superficial, then have a look at some of the reviews you read in magazines. Aren't they only just as superficial? Just not written in a sexist way.