The Secret to a Successful Review

I think I have found the secret to getting a good game review in a magazine. Put a big pair of tits at the start of the game and you are guaranteed to get a good review no matter how crap the game actually is. This seems to have worked for Sin Episodes in PC Powerplay (p. 62, Issue 128, August 2006, Australia). The reviewer was so infatuated with the pixelated titties that he forgot there was a game under review. So much so that just under half of the review is focussed on this aspect of the game.

Don't get me wrong I am all for a bit of flesh, but have to draw the line at the pixelated equivalents. They don't match the real thing. It will be a while before they begin to match the real thing. It is the same reason I don't understand the fascination with animated porn. Why watch the animated when you can watch the real thing? It's not the same and never will be.

Just to cap the so-called review off. The reviewer spends another paragraph discussing the differences in price between purchasing the game online (via Steam) or in the box at a store. While he manages to compare the pricing of the two and drawing the line at wasting two hundred odd dollars on the box he fails to mention that you will have to pay $200 for forty odd hours of episodic gameplay in the first place. Obviously, reviewers are a little out of touch with the real world. Firstly, they don't have to pay for the games they review in the first place and therefore don't have to purchase the game. Secondly, it seems you really don't have to say much about the game to review it. Of the five paragraphs of game review, two of them are devoted to the pixelated ingame flesh and another is devoted to the cost comparison. This leaves only two paragraphs of a short game review devoted to the game play itself.

What he fails to mention in the review is how bad the gameplay actually is and that it is relatively dated in relation to the current crop of shooters on the market. When the game is compared to the quality of FEAR or Brothers In Arms it just does not stand up. If Sin Episodes had been released 2 years ago you would have thought it was a quality game. However, game development has surpassed Sin before it has been released.

As for this review here is how I rate it:
As a mindless Blab Fest - 9/10
As useful as Tits on a Bull - 9/10
Fanboy Trite - 10/10
VERDICT 9/10

For such an excellent score Sin Episodes: Emergence review in PC Powerplay gets The Cynical Gamers useless review of the month.

(I subscribe to PC Powerplay and consider this review to be a complete waste of my money.)